the sun but with an ‘oh’

Orange Beach, Alabama | Thanksgiving 2015

Disappointment. When you reach out and try to connect with someone on a serious level and their reaction is to laugh when you’re not laughing, to shift the subject, to make assumptions (the WRONG assumptions) and happily move on in blissful ignorance because let’s face it, he or she didn’t really care what you had to say in the first place. And there it is. (It felt like) He or she didn’t really care what you had to say in the first place. Connection failed. Disappointment.

Definition of disappoint (Merriam-Webster)

:  to fail to meet the expectation or hope of :frustrate

I read that Alice Walker said, I try to teach my heart to not want things it can’t have.
Maybe I taught myself at an early age to not have much in the way of positive expectations from people. Life taught me that that was a good idea. And on the surface, I’m not sure much has changed, but the dirty truth is (drumroll please, and cue the ellipsis abuse)…
I don’t expect people to be good and kind or open or loving. I don’t expect anyone to listen when I speak. I do expect my words to be ignored, twisted, disregarded at (unfortunately) best. Somehow that’s perfectly okay with me. Okay, that’s a lie. I’m not made of stone, here. It’s not okay with me, but I can accept it. But there’s still this big ball of radiant light burning bright in the center of my core, and it never has and hopefully never will allow me to stop hoping for big, bright, beautiful things to come out of each and every relationship I ever form. Maybe it’s a fool’s errand, squinting, straining, breaking a sweat always trying so hard to extract a mess of loveable and good qualities in each and every human, but it’s just something I’m going to do. Not sure I could stop if I wanted to.
What’s the lesson to be learned in the what-a-bummer feeling you suffer after what feels like a miserable (EPIC FAIL) missed connection? Well, there’s something to be said for trying and you tried. Okay, I tried. Genuinely, with nothing but honest, true intentions, I tried to bridge what I felt was a gap. Didn’t work. That’s okay! 🙂 Take note, keep hope, and try again should the opportunity ever again arise. Might as well. What else am I doing with my time and energy? I’m terrible at crochet.

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