This rain is no joke. Every single day, for months, thunder and lightning, the bottom falls out. Exactly 2pm. Exactly 4:20 pm.
I had a talk with a friend for over an hour. She insisted. I argued. Back and forth. Stubborn. Unmoving. Back and forth. She was sweet and accepting, appreciative. I was…something else.
Thinking back, I have decided my friend enjoyed speaking her heart and maybe that’s why she was so warm and positive, almost joyful about her argument. Me? I was uncomfortable and frustrated. It actually pained me to feel and hear the roaring thunder behind my very own words, bouncing off the walls of a stormy, cluttered mind.
Why is it I always feel the need to apologize for standing by my beliefs? Why is it I always feel like I’m doing something wrong whenever I don’t just agree with what other people say? It’s so odd to me. Reminds me of that poem by Lily Myers, Shrinking Women. She said, I asked five questions in Genetics class and all of them started with the word ‘sorry’.
Stop apologizing for nothing, I tell myself. There’s lots of reasons to be sorry. Sometimes I am rude. Sometimes I am pushy. Sometimes I am crabby. Sometimes get skittish and accidentally hurt people who deserve the least to be hurt. Sometimes my temper gets me. Sometimes I bump into things and people. I deliberately do or say something hurtful or offensive, when I’m in the middle of a mental meltdown. All good reasons to apologize, in my book. Telling the truth because there’s conviction in my heart compelling me to do so? Kind of a silly reason to apologize, now that I think of it.
Oh well. I’ll say it now, for the record. I am 30 years old and still learning every single day.
Til next time.