the blade

painting my living room at 3 in the morning

perhaps the cold medicine worked too well

Bree was my favorite Desperate Housewife

she was prim and proper and so completely composed that even when she lost her mind she did so with a certain sort of poise and grace, calmly coming undone, politely telling someone to go fly a kite, ranting and raving about what an ungrateful brat Freud must have been toward his own mother, while she sewed her marriage counselor’s button back on his jacket–when she was done, the therapist looked a bit uneasy and mentioned that some of Freud’s findings had been proven somewhat faulty

 it’s hard not to love someone when her biggest flaw is that she cares and loves, sometimes, a bit too much

sad that when we’re children there’s no such thing as too nice to each other, but as adults, the second we’re overly warm or friendly, no matter if for the purest of all reasons, other people scramble to make something twisted, ugly, or perverted out of it

no matter

I do it anyway

I won’t live a life plagued by ulterior motives and paranoia

a few months back, I was on the phone with my younger cousin

20ish now

she was always full of giggles and big ideas

when she was a toddler, she couldn’t say my name and somehow Nicole became N.E. Code.

It was precious

she is grown up and we are not as close anymore

we were texting

I’m sad for no reason, she said

it has been my experience that there’s always a reason whether you know what it is or not…sometimes we decide it is ‘no reason’ when really, we know the reason but we also know that the reason isn’t reason enough for other people to accept it

I’m not Dr. Phil

I just think, to kill the time

I love you, she said

I think about this conversation now and then

about when she was too little to pronounce my name

about one time when she was 10 and she thought I was mad at her and she actually cried because of it and then I cried because I felt like I had broken her little heart, even on accident

girls are kind of silly in the way that we care too much sometimes, I think, but I would rather care too much than too little, I have decided

I was painting the living room earlier and I thought about her and our text conversation

it was good enough because it ended on an ‘I love you’

and I sometimes think about one day when she gets the call or text or reads the newspaper obit. that says that I’m gone, when she scales back through her memories of me and of our conversations, will she remember that one especially, the one which ended in ‘I love you’

I hope so

I hope she remembers I love her and that she mentioned she was in some sort of pain and that I told her to call or message me anytime if she wanted to talk and that I did not make light of or question whether or not her pain was legit–I say this because I hope she surrounds herself with people who say things like ‘i love you’ and ‘i care that you’re sad’ and that they mean it

she deserves that

I’m sad to say it feels odd to say, but I want to say that all people deserve that

 I guess it’s weird to just love people by default

but it feels so much easier than the alternative

and when did it become so okay to flip someone the preverbal bird and laugh at their struggle, suck it up, grow up, blah blah blah and pass the clicker?!

when I worked at Sonic, back when they played old school music, there was this song, Peter & Gordon, my friend Nicki, a college student and go-go dancer would walk around blissfully singing…

I don’t care what they say, I won’t stay in a world without love

so random but so entertaining

and to this day, that’s the only line (of the song) I even know

here endeth the sermon, for now

Loading Likes...

2 thoughts on “the blade

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *